I grew up with supportive, Christian parents and was saved by the ripe age of 9. However, in my teen years I became disenchanted with religion; I still believed in God, but I put my faith in making good decisions with the right intentions. I was a Christian, but not a Christ follower. My morals and reasoning fell more in the grey areas. I tried to find purpose and love through drinking, partying, and promiscuity. Every relationship was meaningless and shallow, which increased my insecurity, desperation, and self loathing. Because of this, I was in a mindset to accept “any” form of love. My boyfriend was extremely controlling and abusive; I was constantly told how worthless I was, but how lucky I should feel that he was even with me. I thought that was love. One day, after finding out I was pregnant and telling my boyfriend, he stated, “You either get an abortion, or I’m leaving you.” I had built my value, worth, and life around him and his love; only for it all to crash in that one statement. I wasn't even worth it to stay? I said, “I’m not getting an abortion.” And he left.
Clarity washed over me. I loved this baby like nothing else in the world. I would do anything for this child. There on my bathroom floor, on the worst day of my life, God met me. He met me at my lowest, and said, “That’s how I love you. Like a parent to His child.” I finally understood what I had been looking for and running from all my life. That love I had been searching for was Jesus. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage a week later; however, I know that God orchestrates amazing grace, faith, and glory through even the hardest of stories. I am a beautifully, wonderfully and fearfully made daughter of God. He loved me so much that He died for me. I’ve felt a fraction of that love for my little baby, so I know how amazing His love is. I was given this story, not because God is cruel, but because we live in a sinful world and bad things happen. God is caring and omnipotent, and turns these sorrowful stories into my good and his glory. So, I live my life; not sad at what has happened, but amazingly grateful for what He is doing with me in the future.